What I've Learned through a Lifetime of Marriage

My husband Randy and I recently celebrated 44 years of marriage.

Our anniversary celebration at Steak 'N Shake

Wow--how can that be possible when we're only 30+ years old? Well... we haven't been that age for a long time, but it's still hard to imagine we've spent most of a lifetime together.

When we first got married, I had this naive notion that all we needed was love. Da...da...da...da... da....All you need is love...All together now...When I hear those words, I automatically want to burst into song. Never mind about the misunderstandings and the immaturity of two 19 year-olds who are going to become parents before their first anniversary. As long as we have love, we will stay together. Wasn't that also a song? Love will keep us together. If only it were that simple.

We do need love, but not the kind Hollywood portrays or most of us envision. I remember seeing the movie Love Story with Randy when we were dating. Ryan O'Neal and Ali MacGraw (can you believe she's 75?) looked deeply into each other's eyes and proclaimed, Love means never having to say you're sorry.

How sweet (and unrealistic) is that? But that's the love I was looking for...where romantic feelings never fade and you sail off together as best friends and lovers without a disagreement or ever raising your voice or crying yourself to sleep.

After 44 years and weathering many marital ups and downs, I've learned a lot about real-life relationships:

• There's no such thing as 50/50 in marriage. Many times you'll be the one giving more than you bargained for. It would be nice if everything were split neatly in half. The reality is that each of you will be called on at different times to give more than your share. It's also good not to keep score.   

• Recognize the myth of the greener grass. It's possible there is "greener grass," but many of us see the grass and want to vault over the fence without considering the costs. The repercussions of an affair are devastating for everyone. Two families are directly affected, as well as extended family and friends. Life is never the same after trust in a marriage has been broken. God can heal and bring reconciliation, but the price paid is excruciatingly high.

• Love the one you're with. What would happen if you intentionally treated your spouse as if you really loved him/her? Not the Love Story type of love, but love that's patient, kind, steadfast in sickness and in health, in good times and bad times. God's kind of love that never fails.  

Randy and I have been blessed to experience this love in our marriage. It didn't come naturally, though. It took a lot of pain and struggle and heartache. We both realized the ability to love well was only possible if we were willing to get beyond our selfishness. As we experienced God's grace, we were then able to begin to love each other unconditionally. Not perfectly, but in a way that says I want the best for you. I'm willing to do whatever I can to encourage you, to build you up, to help you become the person God created you to be.

And guess what? I found out I married the right guy-- the one who has been God's gift to me for almost a lifetime. And yes, we've learned that saying you're sorry is at the top of the list!

If you're struggling to love your spouse, there is hope! Small acts of kindness can be a good starting place. I would love to pray with you and encourage you to believe that God's love never fails. 

 

        








  

Where Would We Be Without Friends?

When my mom had a mastectomy a couple of years ago, my dear friend Mary came to be with me.
Mary arrived at the hospital after Mom came out of surgery. Seeing a familiar face felt so reassuring. I threw my arms around my friend. I knew I could walk through this because I wasn't walking alone.  Mary drove nearly two hours to be with me in Seattle. After her work shift, she loaded a cooler with bottled water, juices, fruits, and other snacks for us to enjoy at the hotel. She even tucked in a Starbucks gift card. Her presence meant the world to me.

Our friendship spans more than 30 years. We've walked a lot of roads together...weathered the storms of our husbands' battles with alcoholism...  rejoiced with their sobriety...grieved over losses--parents, jobs, pets...celebrated weddings and births. We've shared life together and carried each other's burdens. I don't know where I'd be today without friends like Mary. I believe one of God's most gracious gifts is the gift of friends.

Through the years, as I've been on the receiving end of a friend's kindness, I've asked myself, what kind of friend am I? How can I be a better friend?

Lord, help me to be:

• The friend who thinks of others and anticipates their needs.

• The friend who is generous with her time.

• The friend who is honest and loves you enough to tell you the truth.   

• The friend who loves and accepts you no matter what.

 

I've been blessed to have more than one friend like Mary. I pray you also have known the love of such a caring friend. No one can do life alone. God designed us to need one another.


Two are better than one,
because they have a good return for their work.
If one falls down,
his friend can help him up.  Ecclesiastes 4: 9-10

I would love to hear how a friend has made all the difference in your life! 

  

My Way or the High Way

I used to think it was all Randy’s fault. If only he’d stop drinking, then we (or most importantly) I could be happy. I also thought I could change him. I could make him want to stay sober. I used ultimatums (you’d better stop drinking or…I’ll leave you…I’ll file for divorce, etc.) I thought he would be motivated to stop drinking. Wrong!

I launched my personal mission to get Randy sober. I placed inspirational books in strategic places around the house and refrigerator magnets with Bible verses on the fridge. When Randy popped open a can of beer, he would see those verses and want to change. Suddenly he would see the light, drop to his knees in gratitude, and proclaim his desire to stay sober. Wrong—again!

It is so tough to love your husband well in circumstances like this, finding the right balance in loving him that reflects Christ’s character. Maybe you’re dealing with a situation where you’ve tried everything you know to love your husband. Nothing ever changes and you feel angry and frustrated. You’ve lost all hope.

I know how you feel. For the longest time it was all about me. I don’t deserve this. Why am I going through this? It isn’t fair. Author and Women of Faith speaker, Patsy Clairmont once said, “Fair is where you buy cotton candy!”

I needed that reminder. The truth is, life isn’t fair. It’s how we respond to life’s inequities that determines whether or not we will find contentment. Looking back, I can see how my reluctant choices to take the “higher road” in our relationship, helped our marriage survive.

Maybe what we need is a road map to guide us, some cues to encourage us to let go of “our way” and become willing to choose God’s “high way.” I thought of the acronym H.I.M. I had to intentionally follow Him (Jesus) to become more Christ-like in all of my relationships.

H = Humility 

Jesus is humility personified. He had a way of zeroing in on a problem and speaking the truth in love. He had a posture of gentle strength. Humility doesn’t mean accepting or condoning your spouse’s bad behavior, but it does mean treating him the way Jesus treated others.

Dangerous Detours that almost derailed me:

1. Self-pity—Why me? This isn’t fair!
 2. Blaming—It’s not my fault.
3. Comparing—The grass is greener myth.

I shifted my thinking. I learned to admit where I had been wrong. Who me? I learned to accept responsibility for my actions.

 Humble yourself in the presence of the Lord and He will exalt you. James 4:10

 I= Integrity

Integrity is courageous honesty, speaking truth in a compassionate way to ourselves and others. Jesus was also a master of integrity.  

Dangerous Detours where I often got hung up:

1. Denial—Refusing to believe or accept what is true.
2. Fear of confrontation—Lack of boundaries or inability to set limits.
3. Disrespect—Treating your spouse in a discourteous manner.

 I needed to honestly confront Randy (and myself) with reality. Truth gives us the ability to walk into the light instead of staying forever hidden in the darkness. Truth brings freedom and relief.

 You will know the truth and the truth will set you free. John 8:32

M= Maturity

Maturity helps us extend grace to others and give up the need to be right. Maturity requires that we're grounded in reality and that we do our best to make wise choices.

Jesus knew how to reach people. He asked probing questions and told stories to make his point.  

Dangerous Detours that kept me stuck: 

1. Unforgiveness—Bitterness and resentment, the desire to punish the person who has wronged you. 2. Selfishness—Insisting on your own agenda.
3. A hardened heart—Stubborness and unwillingness to change or accept instruction.

Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. Ephesians 4:29

I almost gave up on Randy and our marriage. I’m so thankful the Lord gave me friends who pointed me toward a “higher way.”

• Toward humility so my heart would become tender instead of critical.
• Toward integrity so I could confront the lies I’d told myself and have courage to confront my husband in love.
• Toward maturity so I could act unselfishly, desiring to awaken the goodness in my husband.

By attempting to follow Him, I have truly experienced God’s grace.

Grace is undeserved generosity. It’s a hug when I deserve a slap. And that spirit of forgiving is the soil from which grow words that impart grace to those who hear. Only tender hearts produce words that heal rather than hurt. –Jerry Harvill

Where are you on your journey to follow H.I.M.?

Raise the White Flag!

I called my homeless brother yesterday. I only wanted to say that I love him. He couldn't hear that. He thought I was trying to intervene, judging him. He told me his life is miserable, the party's over--not that there ever was a party, I thought. I tried to interject hope into his hopeless comments.

You don't have to do this alone, I said. But he couldn't hear me in his deafness to allow anyone to help him. I'm going to recover on my own, he insisted. I don't need anyone to help me.

My heart aches for him. I've walked this road before with my husband, Randy, as he struggled to find freedom from his addiction to alcohol. And as I struggled to let go, to finally admit there wasn't anything I could do to fix or change him. 

It's funny how we think we have the power to help someone else choose life over an addiction or other destructive behaviors. Fear got in the way of my ability to surrender my husband. I believed I had the power to decide for him. I thought if I let go of Randy, he would die. That's a scary place to put ourselves in--and rather presumptuous. Do I really think I have that kind of power? Hm...I don't think so. I am thankful there is One who has all power--and that one isn't me!

Surrender!

There comes a time when we need to raise the white flag. We not only surrender our loved ones, but we also surrender ourselves to the Lord. We let go so God can work in our lives and theirs. We let go so we can be free from the anxiety that is destroying us. By surrendering, we choose a way that brings life to us--and possibly to our loved ones as well.

There are no pretenses or illusions about any noble efforts to save someone you love. This is rock-bottom where the rubber sole meets the road. You admit that what you've been doing isn't working. You don't have what it takes to motivate another person  to change their behavior. Only God can do that. Finally you give your impossible situation to God.

In Alcoholics Anonymous, they describe surrender in three steps:

1. I can't do it.
2. God can.
3. I will let Him.

There’s something powerful about recognizing we can’t do what needs to be done in our own strength. This might sound depressing. If we can’t do anything…who can? Ah…that’s the very place God wants us to be. He doesn’t need us, really. He has access to infinite resources. Sometimes the most we can do is simply get out of the way. We intentionally let go of our loved ones. This doesn't mean we abandon them or stop loving them. Instead, we lovingly entrust them to Jesus. He loves them more than we can imagine. What better place for them to be! The Lord knows every detail about them. He even knows every hair on their heads. He loves them with an everlasting love. Our love pales in comparison.

Author Jan Johnson says it well: 

Letting go is both too simple and too difficult. It looks like weakness instead of strength, like losing instead of gaining, and it is. As we relinquish control and admit weaknesses, we remember who we are and why we're here...This need to control is rooted in fear, but I need to do the thing that is rooted in faith--surrender.  

Once again, I find myself in a place of letting go. This time I know it's the very best for me and for the brother I love so dearly. 

Is there a situation in your life where you need to surrender?

 

Grace-Filled Marriage

Last summer, Randy and I were flying from Philadelphia to Seattle after a delightful week of family fun in Ocean City, New Jersey. We arrived at the airport, checked in our bags, then took our place in the long lineup for security. That's when things got tense.

"We should be in that other line," Randy complained. "This line isn't going anywhere fast."

I countered with the fact that the "other" line was for inexperienced travelers and families with small children. We didn't qualify on either account.


"Well, it's ridiculous to wait when we could've been through security if we'd gone in that 'other' line."

Anger simmered inside me. Why is he being such a jerk? 

When we finally made it through security, we bought coffee and pastries. We looked for a seat in the  restaurant, but it was packed. Right outside, a row of comfortable-looking seats awaited us. 

"Perfect!" Randy made his way over to the handicapped seating.

"We can't sit there," I said. "It's for handicapped people."

"Fine," he said with disgust. He picked up his bag and walked briskly toward the gate, leaving me behind to grapple with a too-heavy carry-on bag.

I fought back tears. I'm not going to cry, I told myself. A vendor on the concourse took pity on me and showed me a way to manage my bag more easily. I took a deep breath and kept walking.

I wanted to lash out at Randy, to lecture him about his rude, abusive behavior--not at all typical for him. When we reached the boarding area, I considered sitting as far away from him as possible. I imagined the stony silent flight back to Seattle.

Then I remembered a book I'd been reading...How to Act Right When Your Spouse Acts Wrong by Leslie Vernick. She talked about how learning to respond rightly when we are wronged takes maturity and wisdom, developing the character of Christ. Not easy, especially in the heat of the moment...especially in a crowded airport on a marathon travel day. But according to Leslie Vernick, someone needs to take the more mature position and respond correctly.

I had a choice. I could extend grace to Randy or I could put up my defensive walls. I had been mistreated. I could take the superior position, insisting on my rights, or I could choose to defuse the situation with a loving response.

My hand weighed a ton as I lifted it and placed it on Randy's. I smiled. I acknowledged that we were both exhausted. Long airport security lines are never fun and usually frustrating. He managed a smile and mumbled something that sounded like sorry.

The rest of our 16-hour travel day felt peaceful. (We live several hours from Seattle!) We showed more patience and understanding toward each other.  A day that started out miserably had turned out well. And I had learned through the experience.

Grace never ceases to amaze me.

When have you experienced the amazing effects of grace in your marriage?

A Place Called Blessing

I admit I'm a slow reader. Mostly because I wait until bedtime to crack open the latest book I'm reading. I usually don't get far before my head is nodding and my husband nudges me and asks, "Are you asleep?"

When I read A Place Called Blessing, by Dr. John Trent (co-author with Gary Smalley of The Blessing), I not only stayed awake, I kept turning pages. The story is compelling. A young boy, Josh, experiences a series of tragic events in his life. His parents (who haven't done a great job taking care of their children) are killed in a drunk-driving accident. Josh and his two older brothers are thrust into the foster care system. As long as they're together, even the least desirable of homes is bearable. The unthinkable happens, though, and Josh is separated from his brothers. They are adopted by a family who chooses not to adopt Josh. His life is marked by rejection and abandonment.

By age eighteen, Josh is an angry young man who only wants to be left alone. He's determined not to ever need or trust  anyone. He vows to make it through life on his own. That is, until he meets a co-worker, Mike, who genuinely seems to care about Josh. Mike's mom, Anna, has a room for rent, and Josh agrees to move in. Anna and Mike offer Josh the gift of "the blessing"--their unconditional love and support. And that is  life-changing.  

As I read Dr. Trent's book, I kept wondering when the hurting would stop. I felt sad by the unfairness of life.What struck me, though, was realizing how even one person who "blesses" another's life, can make a huge impact. Josh's relationship with Anna and Mike gave him the opportunity to choose a healthier direction for his life. 

A Place Called Blessing inspires readers to consider how they can make a difference for others. Giving the gift of "the blessing" is truly where hurting ends and love begins.    

It's All in the Perspective

When Randy lost his job and career as an air traffic controller 16 years ago, we were suddenly thrust into a new world. Where we once had enough money, not only for the basics, but for extras, too, we now found ourselves in a position we hadn't known in a long time:  how to get along on very little.

I look back and cringe when I see the many mistakes we made with managing our money. Until Randy found  another job, we lived on his retirement savings. Fear of the financial unknown dictated some poor choices. We attended a job fair and fell for a smooth-talking entrepreneur's pitch that investing in pay telephones was certain to be lucrative. How could we have known that cell phones were already making pay phones nearly obsolete? It all sounded so good. Once you paid for the phones (a mere $10,000--gulp!), you had to place them in strategic locations. Then all the money plugged into them was gravy. What could be easier?

Now I look back with 20/20 hindsight, barely able to believe we fell for that scam. The business was legitimate, but what they neglected to tell us was how difficult it would be to find places that wanted payphones-- and how expensive the monthly phone bills to support 8-10 phones would be! A friend and financial adviser helped us make the decision a few months into this venture, to bite the bullet, get out and never look back. We finally managed to recoup about $1,000 when we found a buyer for the phones. Ouch! 

I wish I could say this was our only bad financial decision. Again, fear played a part in investing our dwindling "nest egg" in a company that had rave reviews for its high returns. I should have listened to my dad who wisely said, "if it sounds too good to be true, it probably is." We had our savings in a traditional investment that wasn't performing as well as this other company. The carrot dangled in front of us--and we bit into it, swallowing the whole thing.

At first, all the numbers looked great, monthly reports impressive. Randy and I often sat with a calculator crunching numbers. Wow! This is amazing, we'd tell ourselves, a little too smugly. After several years, we convinced Randy's dad who was a savvy investor, and a good friend of mine to invest her 401K savings in this fund.

Then one day our friend who had referred us to this company called in shock. "It's all a scam," he said evenly. "The largest Ponzi scheme in history." At least we had that distinction until Bernie Madoff came along.

How could we be so stupid? We kicked ourselves for a long time--and felt terrible that we had influenced others to join and lose their hard-earned savings as well. 

We have learned from these painful lessons, situations we wouldn't have knowingly signed on for. Yet what we have gained is valuable. We've been forced to face the difficult reality of how we have handled money.

When Randy had a generous income, we spent most of it. There was always something new we wanted. And when we got that item, something else appeared on the list of "must-haves." I perused catalogs for the latest home decor or new clothes. We ate out at restaurants frequently and didn't think anything of taking weekend jaunts and charging everything on our credit cards, which frequently crept toward the maximum allowed. 

We were always looking for something to fill the gaps, to make us content. Who would think it would take losing almost everything for us to learn what real contentment is about?

In this most simple way of living, when you only have enough for your needs, (not your "greeds" as one wise author once said), we have discovered freedom. Now I wonder why I thought I needed all the stuff that eventually makes its way into the rummage pile?

In God's economy, He uses the exact circumstances we need for us to grow to be more like Him; wiser stewards of what He has given us, and more compassionate in caring for others less fortunate. Without these financial setbacks, I might not have acquired a change in perspective. I have learned that God is our provider, all that we have ultimately belongs to Him. Our security isn't found in jobs or bank accounts, that are tenuous at best. A timely truth with the uncertain  financial climate we face in 2010.

Today Randy and I can offer each other grace for the mistakes we've made and gratitude for the richest blessings in life that money can't buy.